Those who haven't served God may never know the difficulties of serving God, especially in north China. I used to be confident that I could serve the church well, but now the road ahead seems to be more and more confusing. I gradually find that to serve God enthusiasm is not enough.
During the day I preached in different places. I tried not to make myself think how to make a living. I comfort myself with words which I comfort others. However, when I sleep down at night, I couldn't cheat myself anymore.
Many churches invited me to preach. However, I don't want to go to many churches for a second time. When I received my wage decline early felt I was like a spiritual beggar. I humbly accepted that small number of wages and pretended to decline the money before I receive it. If you naturally took over the money they would think you serve God for the sake of money.
Once upon a time I finished preaching in a church and was eager to leave for another church. The former church said bad words about me to my leader because I accepted my wage in a hurry seeming no declining. They said I was not a qualified pastor. It seems that when you reach for the money, your glory of a pastor will dim.
Recently I have been planning to find a part-time job to support myself. When I have free time I will preach in the church for no money. I think it is a good idea. On one hand, I won't be looked down on in the church. On the other hand, the church leader is also willing to save some money.
One of my co-workers was like this. He has been working in a factory. Although at the beginning he was accused, gradually the church leader found that the burden of the church became lighter.
As for me, although the church gave me a few hundred yuan every month, the money has become the burden of the church. If I go out to work, I will be able to serve the church and dedicate some money to the church at the same time.
I feel so sad that many Chinese pastors have to make a living on themselves because they are not supported by the church. Some of them opened a WeChat public account. They promote their WeChat public account with great efforts in order to earn some money to make ends meet.
I know a pastor who picks up plastics in a plastic factory owned by a believer to support his family. Another pastor I know had been in church for more than one year after graduation. Now he sells Liangpi(a traditional Chinese snack which is cheap) in the street.
Many pastors take serving God as the priority in their life. However, when they return home, they feel so helpless and sad. They have imagined that one day the church will change. Day after day, their belly has been smaller and smaller.
I told my leader that I was going to leave the church. He didn't show any pity or reluctance. He questioned me whether I was not afraid of God. "You have read theology for so many years. God will discipline you!" However, the shortcomings of existing churches have made me forget the discipline of God.
Sometimes I think it would be such a nice thing if we don't need food to fulfill our stomach or money to support our children's education.
I even imagined that every child of Christian family would be able to receive God's teachings. If so, I would like to live in God's house and work 24 hours every day.
I always blamed myself when I was buried in that fantasy. I knew I was not confident of the church. I remembered the prophet who was fed by God's crow. Every day God sent the crow to offer him food. I know God must have also prepared me a crow.
However, when I heard a pastor died in a dilapidated house which was arranged by the church on a rainy night, my heart broke. The brother must be waiting for his crow, but he failed finally. I think this was the mistake of the church instead of God's.
The 20-year-old pastor has gone like the little girl selling matches. They both made their way to the light of heaven and left us with cold thinking.
Translated by Emma Ma