I once thought God was selfish because He created me without my consent. I knew it was His right, but I still asked Him more than once "Why did you make me?" If He had asked me, I would tell Him that I didn't want to be made for sure. I didn't even care to be a weed. For me, there was no meaning at all to be alive other than trouble and sorrow.
I wanted a lot of money, for love alone couldn't provide me a sense of security. Growing up, I was always running away from my pushy mother. I wished my family could understand me instead of forcing their ideas on me. So when I went to boarding school in sixth grade, I was quite happy even though others were crying. Add to that my parents' rocky relationship, I became more unwilling to go home and face everything.
Unable to be satisfied with the love I needed, I longed for someone to get me, love me, guide me as I grew up, and stay by my side in confusion and depression. However, there was no such person. Just like that, I devoted all my feelings to work and money. Money was the key to everything, I thought.
I could throw myself into work, but I didn't want to love for fear of getting hurt.
In March 2014, my mother converted due to my older brother having a hallucination. As for me, it was until that July when he committed suicide. I came home and my mom led me to believe, confusingly.
With the atheistic education I received growing up, I was afraid that people might discover my conversion. My entire family are very devoted idol-worshippers and my friends are atheists, Buddhists, or folk believers each according to their family influence. Consequently, I felt embarrassed being a Christian.
However, God didn't give me up. When my brother died, I didn't go to college. Instead, I found a job near home. I was extremely painful then because my brother loved me very much. His sudden death and my miscarried college dream made even breathing painful.
What scared me most was that I always felt a dark shadow looking at me, and it was too frightful for me to sleep. I turned to my mom and she told me to pray. She prayed for me and went asleep afterward. But I was still afraid. I started praying on my own and putting my Bible next to me, gradually I fell asleep in my prayer. When I had nightmares, I called the Lord's name in my dream and this helped me sleep till dawn. I realized that this God truly existed. I started acknowledging His name and seeking Him. I wanted to know this God, yet I still tried to fill my inner void and sense of helplessness with money.
I was baptized in July 2015 and vowed to attend seminary the next year. However, I loved the world more and didn't go. I still lived in sin: issuing fake invoices at my boss's request, drinking, smoking, etc. Even though I went to work every day, my inner void and pain grew.
I finally determined to give up everything to serve God when my dad got an incision on his face, lying in bed, bleeding. He refused to go to a hospital. It was at that moment I came to my realization that love matters more than anything. Nothing can fill the void of feelings, and it needs to be satisfied.
I began to learn to love, bravely. I once gave up the right to love for fear of getting hurt, but the love of Christ gave me courage. It was then that I started to understand that the peace of family was more important than anything else.
I prayed for my dad and promised God that if He healed him, I would dedicate my life to serving Him. While my dad still refused to the idea of a hospital, he was healed after applying medicine for a few days.
I quit my job and contacted a training facility that combines theology with early childhood education. However, I wanted to "quit" again because it was far from what I imagined. But each time, God had a special way to keep me there.
Thanks for God's grace for picking me when I was most helpless, as well as showing me the reason for my existence.
-Translated by Grace Hubl
