On April 9, a grief counseling training titled "Healing Separation Grief: Love and Connection Across Time and Space" was held online. The speaker (anonymity for safety reasons) shared insights based on personal ministry experiences, focusing on how bereaved families can walk through grief and establish ongoing connections with their departed loved ones.
At the beginning of the training, the speaker emphasized the core principle of grief counseling, "Even if we are physically separated, as long as there is a bond of love between us and we hold genuine hope in our hearts, we will never truly be apart from our departed loved ones."
Breaking Free from the Lie of "Self-Blame" — Love as the Key to Transformation
The speaker then addressed the common experience of regret and guilt among bereaved families, especially when witnessing their loved ones enduring suffering in their final days. Drawing on two real-life pastoral cases, the speaker identified a major internal source of grief: family members often blame themselves for the loss, thinking it was due to a moment of negligence or not doing enough. This self-blame, layered on top of the sorrow of loss, can deepen emotionally hurt feelings.
The speaker pointed out that the root of this guilt is not actual wrongdoing or fear of consequences, but rather the deep love between family members. Many sons and daughters, even when aware that it may not help, still choose to pursue every possible medical or caregiving intervention to prolong their loved one's life.
Therefore, the first step in healing grief is to properly understand the root of self-blame. It is not a result of real mistakes, but an expression of deep loving connection. This love, in fact, is the key to transforming grief.
The speaker shared a story of a mother who was grieving the loss of her gentle-natured husband. She was constantly in tears, trapped in memories and remorse, especially over having strictly controlled his diet due to his poor health. She regretted not giving him more freedom and kindness, which led to overwhelming guilt. This unresolved grief also impacted on their adolescent child, who developed unconscious psychosomatic symptoms and sank into deep depression due to the prolonged grief environment.
When counseling the family, the speaker first learned about the mother's true emotional state through conversations with the child. He then identified the core issue, which was self-blame during counseling sessions with the mother. He explained that her strictness came from concern for her husband's health and fear of losing him. At its root, everything she did stemmed from love. This kind of love doesn't harm and it draws hearts closer together through different forms of expression. After this realization, her guilt was greatly relieved.
The speaker further comforted her by saying that the love between her and her husband had transcended words, which was a deep, soul-level connection. That kind of connection, by nature, went beyond physical boundaries even beyond life and death. Thus, even though her husband had passed away, their hearts remained connected. He then guided her to have a heartfelt, spiritual conversation with her late husband to express her regrets and longing. After she finished, through tears, she experienced genuine emotional release.
Reminders and Encouragement
The speaker called on counselors to remember two key points. First of all, the focus of grief counseling is on "releasing," not "suppressing." It is important to help the bereaved uncover the root causes of their grief and untangle their emotional knots, rather than suppressing their pain with phrases like "stay strong" or "don't cry."
While emotional release is important, positive guidance is equally vital. Based on his counseling experiences, the speaker said he encourages people to cry and express their sorrow, but he also stays present with them making eye contact and offering physical gestures of comfort to create a space of acceptance and emotional safety.
Building a Bridge Beyond Life and Death Through the Heart
On how the bereaved can continue their connection with their departed loved ones, the speaker noted that emotional exchange lies at the core of close relationships. Ultimately, it's all about love.
Therefore, in grief counseling, a fundamental belief is that relational connection transcends physical connection. The speaker often guides people to have heartfelt conversations with their lost loved ones, using the love in their hearts to build a bridge that connects life and death. Grief is essentially a process of saying goodbye to someone or something we love. When we can say goodbye in a healthy way, we open ourselves up to a new beginning.
He also encouraged the participants to understand that grief counseling is not something we should only consider at the end of life. The earlier we explore grief and the lessons of life, the healthier our attitude will be toward life and separation. This awareness enables us to develop a love and connection that truly transcends time and space.
- Edited by Karen Luo, translated by Charlie Li
