A Post-90 Preacher’s Testimony: God Lead Me to Walk Away from Suicide
By Hu Jingyan, November 13, 2015 08:11 AM
Sister Ma, one of the post-90s generation, followed her mother's belief since she was young. Although she knew there was a savior called Jesus Christ, she never understood what the relationship between the savior and herself was. In the past 21 years of her life, Ma was just seeking miracles from God and hoped someday the light of the Holy Spirit could come on her.
Ma describes herself as a lost lamb, finding no way home: "I had a rebellious character since my childhood. I wasn't strong in my faith. When meeting troubles I grumbled against God and fled away from Him. Although I went to church with my family every week, I was a nominal Christian.”
"Before joining a church in Beijing, Ma was stuck in her career. Every day all she would think about was how to make more money and live a more comfortable life. But the work pressure and rivalry between colleagues made her tired. She pained and confused by her every day thoughts of "I don't know why should I make more money. Why do people live? I lived in emptiness and boredom every day."
She even considered suicide. Although she was a Christian，she lost the courage to live in her moments of darkness and pain. "Even if I knew Christians are not permitted to commit suicide, I couldn't take that into account."
The story went to an evening of Sunday after two weeks. She passed by a church on her way home, hearing the praise and worship singing from the church. She wanted to go inside even though she hadn't gone to church for several months. A voice said in her mind:" Come inside, my child! Come into my arms, I will give you rest!" Inspired by this voice, she went into the church.
She burst into tears the moment she saw the cross after sitting in the church chair. She couldn't help crying in front of God like a child saw her father. That day God comforted her greatly and released her from her pain and grief.
After this, she fought confidently and strongly at work for a few days. But it didn't last long. The open and secret rivalry between colleagues brought her pain again, even greater than the last time. Ma asked for God's help instead of thinking of suicide. Then God used a brother to help her. A brother chatted with her about the working problem and asked her: "How do you plan your life? Do you plan to work for God or men?"
The talk touched her. She believed that God used the brother to call out to her. She prayed to God about her weakness, pain and helplessness, also repented from her sins of rebellion, lack of faith and staying away from God. Through prayer, God comforted her greatly. Then she made a decision: to quit her job and to serve in church.
In her following days as a preacher, she listens to God's Word very day, she meditates on her mission and will. She continues to ask God to lead her to understand what God's love and what the cross of Jesus Christ really is. In the process, through the help and encourage from the pastor and believers of the church, she has tasted "peace" and "joy" from God.
She shares: "I really thank God that I can turn to Him when I'm still young. I thank God that I can see his guidance and grace. It is God who leads me out of death, turning me into a seeker who was once with emptiness and confusion into an apostle running for His kingdom. I used to belong to the darkness but now I'm with the people of the light. I believe there are many people like me who suffer from unknown pain and wandering. I really want to tell them there is a God who really loves them and who was willing to sacrifice Himself for them."
Saved by God through pain, Ma affirms her life road as "preaching the gospel all my life". She spends three hours per day preaching the gospel in communities and business centers from Mon to Sat. "They will know God's sweet grace once they have a taste of it," Ma says.
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