If family is the soil and children are the growing flowers, then parents are the hardworking gardeners. The actions and the character are the nourishment for the children and the children imitate their parents. Therefore parenting should begin with the parents themselves.
Mrs. Chen in Hangzhou raise three children besides being a pastor's wife. When asked how to raise children, she thought that parenting is actually a course of denying herself and starting from scratch. In general, "The parenting path is not easy." Mrs. Chen sighed, "while you are walking this path you will understand more about the heart of God. It is not easy for Him to raise us. We make him angry, we are rebellious, and we are not obedient, but God accepts us unconditionally. That's my deepest experience in my parenting path."
Speaking of the practical aspects of parenting, Chen shared her experience in three aspects.
Be the standard for the children.
Children naturally imitate their parents. They observe and imitate. "Therefore parents' guidance is important. For instance, we should teach them to rely on God in life." To give an example, she said, "There was one time the church couldn't afford its rent, and during that time I prayed together with my children every day. Also, we would pray whenever in financial shortages. Finally, when parents are sick we should pray first."
Set aside time to communicate with the children.
When children are young, parents sometimes have trouble balancing parenting and their own life, and there can be problems among the children too. "I used to think 'why do my kids behave this way?'"
When the three children would bicker and fight, Chen said that she would not pay all her attention to the wounded child, but instead give some of her attention to the aggressor as well. "I would think that he would hit people because he had a problem. The wounded child only suffers temporary pain, but the aggressor would have some inner strife. So, many times I would talk with him instead of just punishing him." Mrs. Chen used an example from her life. One time when her middle child was 10 and her youngest was 7, they were bickering and the middle child screamed at his brother "I want to kill you!" Mrs. Chen heard that and shocked. In truth, the issue was very minor. They had been playing together on the table when the youngest accidentally pushed the other's toy onto the floor, making him angry. Chen's answer was "The middle one was jealous because he thought we cared for the youngest too much. The children's' world is very simple. When they feel neglected they choose the most direct way of expressing it."
"So I cared for the aggressor. Why did he feel neglected, and how had he been neglected. After figuring it out, the method for solving it was to keep him company and create an environment that allowed him to express his feelings well." Mrs. Chen said that when the child lacks affection he is more likely to have issues, so parents must make time for them and respect them. Normally, children will try to communicate when they feel their needs are being met.
Be more than philosophers to the children.
Children have their own ways of thinking. Even though they are young, they need respect, freedom, and space from their parents. Parents should not try to always control them. It is also important that parents not teach children purely with aphorisms. Children learn more from action than from words, so words have little effect. Children learn by imitating adults.
Balance their needs
Mrs. Chen has her own philosophy on balance too. "Children need different things at different times." She thinks that people should observe the stage the child is at to meet their needs appropriately. For example, "My oldest needs guidance in morals closer to an adult while my middle son needs respect and attention to keep from feeling neglected as the middle child. Finally, the youngest simply needs company, being at a more clingy age. It can be difficult to find the balance of all these needs."
"So I will ask the oldest to teach the younger simple things, like teaching the youngest one how to read, and to help keep the middle son company while playing. In this way I have more time to accompany the oldest and help him with his studies. He doesn't write well and he doesn't like sports. He's also not very proactive in his studies, so I accompany him and help him while entrusting him to take care of the younger two boys." Mrs. Chen said this is the balancing method she is currently using.
Build the children's character.
"Actually, I am struggling in this, because the character of my three boys is not that good." Chen smiled in chagrin. "This may have something to do with the parents."
Mrs. Chen confessed that in the last couple of years her time went mostly to the church, so to some degree, she has neglected her children. For example, she did not immediately spend much time to help her sons' correcting his bad habits. "Actions need to be corrected immediately, or they will get worse in the future."
Mrs. Chen said that she had some incorrect thinking about parenting before. She thought that children would understand their mistakes as they grew older, but that turned out to be wrong. If the mistakes were not pointed out to them, it just became an indulgence of a bad habit. If they think that mom will not say anything, they will be bolder in the future. Children test adults for boundaries. "Children have their petty tricks, and adults need to correct the behavior immediately if there is a problem. Children will not just change spontaneously." Chen stated. "Parents must be aware."
Experience of parenting.
Mrs. Chen shared a little from her own experience. "I don't think I'm nervous. No matter how bad the child is, I'm not nervous." Chen said. "I mainly believe in God, that even bad circumstances will be an opportunity for training my children." For example, the children will complain whenever guests stay over sleeping in their room, as they see it as an invasion of their private space. "I should understand them when that happens and encourage them to share. Although it can be painful for them, they need the training.
"In my opinion, anything can be overcome." Chen said. "I often teach my children to have a relaxed mind, and force myself not to worry or freak out." When parents are nervous, the children tend to be even more so. Parents need to relax, instead of worrying about issues relating to their children. Instead, they should help their children learn to correct and face problems.
Translated by: Grace Hubl
