Recently, Pastor Hong, who ministers at an urban church in East China, shared insights from his decades of experience in supporting marriages and families, focusing on how to cultivate harmonious relationships between husbands and wives.
Over the years, Pastor Hong has guided and counseled numerous husbands. In his sessions, he once posed a question: "The Bible teaches us to love our wives as Christ loves the church and to give ourselves up for them. So, how do you practice self-sacrifice for your wife?"
Some husbands responded by saying, "I used to do zero housework, which was always my wife's responsibility, but now I've started helping with it." Others said, "My child is still an infant and drinks formula. I used to never wake up at night to feed or respond when the baby cried, but now I get up and take care of my own child."
As that husband shared, many others in the counseling session nodded in agreement. After hearing them out, Pastor Hong responded, "Brothers, what you've done is commendable, yet it's not self-sacrifice."
He continued, "Doing something for your family—is that really self-sacrifice? Waking up in the middle of the night to feed your own child—does that count as self-sacrifice?"
According to Pastor Hong, a common misconception among Christians is the tendency to regard actions that fall within one's basic responsibilities as acts of "self-sacrifice," often feeling self-satisfied and even noble for doing so. He attributes this to a distorted understanding of biblical teaching.
Pastor Hong explained that "the phrase 'gave himself up for her' in Ephesians is directly linked to the subsequent verses: 'to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church.' This 'self-giving' is a mission, which means that a wife, like any individual, is not inherently perfect and has her own shortcomings. From the perspective of love and calling, the husband's role is to help his wife grow from imperfection toward maturity. In this transformative journey, the husband must embody the self-sacrificial love of Christ. Since personal change is never easy, the husband must learn to be patient and persistent throughout the process."
Through his ministry, Pastor Hong has gained a thorough understanding of the status of many couples. He noted that a common issue among wives is that their husbands often do not truly understand them.
Quoting the verse, "Just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her," Pastor Hong emphasized that since God created the wife to be part of the husband's body, a husband is called to love his wife as he loves his own body. This requires the husband to understand his wife's needs and address her struggles, but not to love her based on his own assumptions, intentions, or methods, but to love her with genuine empathy and insight.
Pastor Hong shared that he had long prayed to God about this, asking what God's original purpose for men is, as He had a clear original purpose for women.
He continued, "In fact, God's original and vital purpose for men is to sacrifice themselves for their wives and help them grow toward maturity." He added, "If a wife cannot become a glorious wife, then the family cannot become a godly family. This is absolute, because it is by God's design. The influence of a wife and mother on a family is profound."
When many Christians struggle with misunderstandings, grievances, or even despair in their marriages and families, Pastor Hong's message cuts through it all—whether it's self-centered sentimentality or bitter confusion. Marriage is God's intentional design. Every clash, moment of patience, and self-denying choice within the relationship between husband and wife silently shapes us, molding us to be more like Christ.
Originally published by the Christian Times
- Edited by Karen Luo and translated by Poppy Chan
