The teaching of "leaving your parents" is mentioned several times in the Bible (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7, Ephesians 5:31) and it often focuses on marriage every time. Do we really have to leave our parents? How should we understand the concept of "leaving our parents" under Chinese culture?
In terms of Chinese filial piety and the current situation of society today, it's not a simple topic, according to Rev. Zhang Shengren in one of his articles released on his WeChat account -- "Church Micro Journal". "When it comes to leaving one's parents, one should remember that the primary relationship in a family should be the husband-wife relationship." Zhang says.
Then what does the Bible tell us?
1. Pertinent biblical teachings
The Bible commands one to leave his father and mother, followed by another teaching which is about "being united to his wife". So leaving your parents directly relates to whether you can be united to your wife or husband or not. What God requires the husband-wife relationship to be in marriage is a unity with your spouse and oneness in every aspect (physical, mental, spiritual).
Rev. Zhang states that a married person has to leave his parents. There is also another biblical teaching -- "to honor your father and your mother" (Exodus 20:12, Ephesians 6:2-3), which is among the Ten Commandments.
The pastor indicates that the two teachings don't conflict. Instead, they are the critical verses regarding the parent-child relationship. He believes that one can really respect his parents as long as he leaves his parents, for a man should be independent from his parents in the aspects of mentality, finance, decisions and parenting.
2. The background of Chinese culture
Since traditional Chinese family culture supports patriarchism and masculinism, it's hard to imagine that a woman can have the unity after marriage the Bible suggests and have an unequal attachment to her husband.
He points out that traditional culture, still a remnant in people's mind, has held back people in leaving their parents despite the fact its influence on families has actually faded away. But a greater impact on leaving stems from the current contemporary background, especially the existence of the one-child policy. The author says that it's uneasy for only children to be independent from their parents, from whom they seek help. Moreover, their parents don't want to enter the empty nest stage too soon and often interfere in new families.
3. How to leave your parents?
Zhang said that you should first seek an agreement on this issue from your spouse, your parents and parents-in-law and even from all other family members. However, it's hard to do that. So he suggests that the couple should at least agree on "leaving the parents". They should understand the teaching from their mind into their hearts and put it into practice.
This kind of agreement should be reached before marriage. If it fails, they should come to an agreement sooner rather than later. He also warns couples not to imagine a one-step process, but achieve this step by step with a moderate attitude.
He adds that leaving your parents doesn't mean not living with them. The truth is that you can learn to be independent more quickly if you move out of your parents' house. And if you find it hard to leave them or become independent from them in every aspect like finance and parenting, don't live with them.
He reminds those whose parents are not all Christians or one of whom is a non-Christian to stand firm while staying mild-mannered to avoid any home chaos that humiliates the Lord's name.
Translated by Karen Luo
