Receiving wedding invitations from classmates and friends became a norm for me after I had been working for two years. Listening to the vows at their weddings and seeing their smiles, I longed for the same happiness. I look forward to God bringing my other half to my church, so we can begin our journey of marriage in blessing.
However, there's not a single brother of my age in my church. Along the way, I've lost my faith and hope, but in the end, I renewed my strength through the Almighty God.
Once, as I was singing familiar songs at a Sunday service, somehow I couldn't stop my tears. I prayed: God! You know the only thing I can do is to pray and wait; yet you are aware of my weakness and you know that I don't have the strength to move forward, please comfort my heart. After I prayed, I calmed down and my day got better.
I felt good that night until I got depressed by a classmate's wedding photos. That glamorous photo stung my heart like a thorn so I couldn't fall asleep for a long time. I cried to God: you know my situation so please comfort my heart. I opened my Bible and started reading Ruth. Seeing Ruth take on the responsibility to care for her mother-in-law, instead of allowing herself the pain of losing her husband. I was rather inspired.
I thought I've prevailed with the help of God, yet I sank into the whirl of sadness again. I confessed to my sister that I've given up all hope on love. I then knelt down by my bed and prayed with running tears. When my prayer was over, so were my tears. I declared: God, no matter what the circumstances are, I should put them in your hands.
I remember a story from a textbook in elementary school. A gourd farmer found worms on the vines. People suggested he use pesticides, but he said, "What I want are gourds. What do the vines have to do with it?" It feels like I'm the muddleheaded farmer who's bound by the inner idol rather than focusing on Jesus. If I fail to establish a good relationship with God while I'm single, it's possible that I might treat my future boyfriend as an idol when he shows up, always demanding until we're both very hurt.
I forget that we're all sinners and only in God can we be complete. Only by drawing the power of love from Him will my love overflow to bring blessings to the people around me. And only He can provide me with a sense of security and unceasing love.
God loves me, single or married, and He never treats me like a second-class citizen. Maybe the reason I haven't met my Adam is that God doesn't want me to take my own issues into marriage.''
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:35, 38)
It turns out my three breakdowns were God molding me into a vessel useful to Him. Even though I need to be prepared for my marriage while waiting for the "one." Learning how to walk in the way of God is my lifelong lesson.
-Translated by Grace Hubl
