"Counselor, could I date with a non-believer?"
"Counselor, I just know him who is a Christian for a few days, but why did he always want to have sex? "
I'm often asked similar questions every time I speak in pre-marital counseling.
What questions do you need to answer before dating? I think that a Christian needs to ponder over at least four questions before starting a relationship.
1. Do I really understand the Christian meaning of dating?
If nominal Christian dates like a non-Christian, he may not experience "the two becoming one flesh" or treat his girlfriend like a stranger after a breaking up.
What does faith count in your relationship? Is Christian dating totally the same as non-Christian one?
2. Do I really figure out the commitment to Christ?
A Ying argues that commitment to Christ in a relationship presents in that a Christian sticks to going to church services and volunteers in the church when he has time. That is to say, let people feel that you are a Christian. However, the relationship with the Lord is overlooked. A Ying regards her future boyfriend's commitment to Christ as making her feel what he does for her. His words and deeds should please her.
That is not a real commitment to God, but a commitment to her subjective feelings.
The commitment in a relationship lies in that what position you put Christ in your relationship and whether you follow biblical teachings in your dating.
We often pay attention to whether the boy/girl friend is a Christian and whether his/her family also believe in Jesus. But have we thought over his/her spiritual condition and his/her relationship with the Lord?
If you decide to fall in love with a nominal Christian (he/she has a Christian family), what is the difference between dating with a Gentile?
3. Am I willing to share what the Lord does in my life?
Loneliness in a courtship starts from a spiritual life problem, then deepens and even results in a final split. No matter whether our boy/girl friend is a Christian, we're prone to ignore sharing God's works on us with him/her. How could he/she understand your faith when you feel reluctant to tell God's works in your life? Does a relationship last long when you only focus on your subjective sensations?
4. Am I willing to follow biblical teachings to be in love?
Sister Luo began a relationship with a non-Christian introduced by a matchmaker. He explicitly stated that he didn't oppose her Christian faith. In less than two months, they slept together. Soon after that, Luo got pregnant. Four months later, they hurried to get married. Her mother added that he would convert to Christianity as long as she offered herself up to the Lord.
Luo said, "Now the word was kinda of a satire. Having been married for over twenty years, he has never done a job for a year. He beats me like beating an animal and treats me in our sexual life like an animal hunger for years seeing food. He kepts quarreling with me, beating me, and being advised... When is the deadline of such day? He may not repent until I die..."
There are a lot of similar cases in the church. At the very start of a relationship, we are serious and careful in love, expecting the other one to love the Lord like us. If he/she doesn't believe in the Lord, we are optimistic about his/her future converting because we trust in the power of God.
But the most important part is neglected: God's work. Indeed, we are not God and cannot replace God. We are not saviors in our marriage. It's impossible that your non-Christian love object can bow down before God only by our own efforts.
(The author is a worker at a local church in Jiangsu.)
- Translated by Karen Luo
