I was once a Christian. I had a girlfriend but now I lost her.
In 2015, I became a Christian. As a non-Christian, she opposed all my Christian activities including Bible reading, talking about my beliefs, and attending services in the church, fearing that I could not be the "bad boy" she liked. I tolerated and humored her out of love. I refused to have premarital sex, hoping to give my best self to her after marriage according to the Bible. I imagined thousands of times that one day she and I could make a covenant with God in the church, witnessed by a pastor and our families and relatives.
Everything else seemed good, but we had different beliefs. There was no conflict in our life and I had a good relationship with her parents. However, I learned that she had sex with a man at the hotel dozens of times in just three months. She begged for my forgiveness and said that she wanted to repent in church, so I took her there. Hearing the sermon, she said that it was time to accept Jesus, but I sensed that I failed to figure her out.
Then I discovered that she had an abortion. Actually, she was lying to me from the beginning. Hardly tolerating her anymore, I broke up with her. Knowing that she ran away with that man again, I got drunk almost every evening. Later she returned to me, claiming that the man was already married and had two children, just finding comfort from her for being split up with his wife. I put her into my contact blacklist and completely separated from her.
However, my heart was full of hatred and imbalance. Somehow, the Bible couldn't get into my heart when I read it, let alone forgiving her and myself. Gradually the sludge in my heart grew bigger to the extent that I stopped prayer, daily devotionals, and going to church. In fact, a journey of "revenge" started since my heart was crowded with hatred and fear. My friends and I beat that married man in his community and I warned him not to appear before my ex-girlfriend or me again. Moreover, I found the university where her ex-boyfriend pursued his postgraduate education. It was he who made her pregnant and asked her to have an abortion.
On the afternoon when I headed to the campus for revenge, a boy preached the gospel to me, but I interrupted him and moved forward. Later a girl reached me and I replied that I was not interested in the Christian faith. She said, "I felt something wrong with you. Don't think too much. I hope that you can be happy and commit everything to God." Her words touched me, leading me to give up vengeance on the ex-boyfriend.
Though I seemed calm after that, my emotions prevented me from returning to the faith. I started to go to pubs and evening shows, having sex with women one after another.
One day I asked out a girl whom I chatted with for days on WeChat. We talked and laughed along the way, but the moment I turned around, the four striking Chinese characters "Jidu Jiaotang" (or "Christian Church") and a red cross came to my sight in the evening. She asked me whether I had been to a church before. I answered yes, but I was no longer a believer. She told me that she accepted Jesus in her childhood, but later she stopped going to church since her ex-boyfriend didn't allow her to and she was busy with work as well. After watching a movie, we both seemed thoughtful and said goodbye to each other. Passing by the church again, I stood before it for a while. That night, I felt rarely quiet in the rip-roaring city. Since then, my desire for a booty call disappeared and the invitations from my depraved company became boring to me. Thinking that God may be calling me in the wilderness, I was unwilling to return to Him.
One Sunday, I went by a church, seeing a line of devout Christians waiting to enter it. Though I rarely criy and express my feelings, tears ran down my face. I surrendered, wanting to return to God. On that day, I said to God: I want to believe in you again and commit my life to you, my loving father. He refines my heart to make me more like him and His grace is sufficient for me.
(The author is a male Christian.)
-Translated by Karen Luo
