On one hand, singles face many relatives urging them to get married during every Spring Festival. On the other, they actively contribute to the growing "singles economy." At the same time, many also participate enthusiastically in the booming matchmaking market. This seemingly contradictory behavior leaves many wondering—what exactly do singles want? And what influences their ability to enter romantic relationships?
Pastor Cui, who resides in a city in Central China, has devoted much of his energy in recent years to focusing on helping believers build families and counseling on marriage and relationships. In particular, he has dedicated significant time and effort to providing guidance for singles in their pursuit of romantic relationships.
Based on his years of experience in relationship counseling, Pastor Cui has identified two major factors that significantly impact a single person's entry into a romantic relationship: society and family.
Society: An External Environment That Stifles Emotional Growth
The societal factors Pastor Cui refers to mainly include the external environment that shapes a person's growth and survival, regarding two stages: the educational stage (from childhood to adulthood) and the adult survival stage.
He believes that a child's upbringing, which can be seen as their "educational environment," often influences the expansion of social space as they grow.
He explained, “This is perhaps more evident in the post-90s generation (people who were born between 1990 and 1999). Most of these children grew up in a highly structured environment—home, school, and extracurricular classes. At home, they were under parental supervision; at school, under teachers' watch; and any free time they had was filled with tutoring classes. However, emotional development requires space and time. These children, burdened by academic pressure, had no room to cultivate healthy, diverse emotional relationships.”
As these children grew up in such a high-pressure environment, they eventually entered university, where they experienced a sudden sense of freedom. However, this often left them feeling lost, much like a flock of sheep without a shepherd. Beyond their academic studies, they lacked proper guidance in many aspects of real life. Soon after, they were thrown into a fast-paced world with a flood of online information, which left them disoriented.
Pastor Cui remarked, “What can refresh their lives after nearly 20 years of continuous pressure and stress? Many are not interested in work, let alone romantic relationships, which are far more complex than work.”
He emphasized that just like physical and psychological development, emotional growth also follows a natural trajectory. If one misses this critical growth period, it becomes difficult to make up for it later. If someone never experiences a relaxed emotional environment while growing up and has a blank slate in this area, it is unrealistic to expect them to suddenly develop a romantic relationship when they reach the expected age.
Society: Distorted Guidance on Marriage and Relationships
"In addition, unhealthy family relationships under societal pressure can also leave negative impressions on children, which adds to their stress. When combined with distorted societal values about marriage and romance, the challenges for singles only worsen."
Pastor Cui’s perspective differs from the mainstream views on relationships. He argued that “the conditions for entering marriage are actually not complex. The basic requirements are simple: having basic life skills, a stable job, and a place to live in a city (not necessarily owning property). If the couple has a healthy mindset, they can build a life together. However, societal expectations—owning a car, a house, and paying high dowries—make marriage seem unattainable for many young people.”
He also critiqued society’s emphasis on educational qualifications in matchmaking. “Finding a partner is not like a company recruiting employees, where numerous applicants must be filtered through a variety of criteria, including academic degrees. In reality, to establish romantic relationships, both parties in love need to spend time together and evaluate each other’s qualities like work ethic, interpersonal skills, and problem-solving abilities.”
Moreover, he noted that in the context of social conflicts, economic pressures could lead to intra-family conflicts. The rise of modern ideologies—such as feminism and the pursuit of absolute personal freedom—amplified by the internet, further complicates how people perceive romantic relationships.
Family: Lack of Independence in Emotional Development
Family is the second key factor influencing singles’ romantic relationships. A person’s first experience with intimate relationships comes from their family, with parents serving as their role models for marriage.
Pastor Cui stressed, “Regardless of the specific family dynamics, if a child is overly attached to their family, or if parents exert excessive control, the child is hindered from developing independent emotional experiences outside the home. This issue is even more pronounced in single-parent and only-child households.”
“There are three types of families, which have unhealthy parent-child relationships that impact children’s emotional growth,” He mentioned.
He described these three kinds of families.
“First, overly close parent-child relationships fosters ‘mama's boys' or individuals who struggle with independence because they never completed the emotional separation from their parents. They cry out to their 'mamas' before taking any action."
Cui continued, “In dysfunctional parent-child relationships, constant conflict or strained relationships with parents can make it difficult for individuals to develop healthy relationships with others. For example, a woman who had a poor relationship with her father may struggle to interact with men. One single man I counseled came from a home where his mother was dominant, and his father was weak. His younger brother also remained single—an outcome clearly shaped by their family dynamics, which is hard to change."
“Third, children in single-parent families often bear a heavy emotional burden due to excessive moral obligations. They constantly hear statements like, ‘Your parents worked so hard for you…’ which creates an overwhelming sense of emotional responsibility.”
Cui shared a real case from his counseling experience. A young man who had been unemployed finally found a job he enjoyed and soon became a "workaholic," completely immersed in his work. Even on weekends, he preferred working over social activities and even forgot other arrangements.
The pastor explained, “This young man came from a single-parent household, where his father called him every day. Although his job didn’t pay well, he threw himself into it because it provided excitement and satisfaction—something he couldn’t easily find in his strained father-son relationship or limited social interactions.”
He added, “A well-balanced person should have a healthy mix of work, family, friends, and social life. Those who veer off track often overcompensate in one particular area, making it their sole focus.”
Pastor Cui encouraged singles to engage in real-life social interactions, although external societal pressures and family backgrounds are beyond an individual's control. He advised them to train their emotional maturity within communities and make personal adjustments. He said, “When you improve yourself, you naturally attract the right people.”
- Edited by Karen Luo, translated by Abigail Wu
